Turning 40: Clean Starts, Depression, Growth & Making the Next Decade Count

This morning, early, I texted my friend:

“Happy Birthday!!! Welcome to your last year of your 30s! Don’t know how we got here. Wish we could go back and relive things and do some of it better ❤️❤️.”

After I hit send, I sat with it for a moment.

How did we get here?

As I approach 40, I’m actually okay with it.

Truly.

But as the date creeps closer, I’ve noticed I’m talking about it… a lot.

I promise I’ll try to stop harping on about it eventually — but for now, I’m letting myself sit in the reflection.

Time feels different. It doesn’t move slowly anymore. It accelerates. Suddenly you’re not 23 with endless runway ahead — you’re almost 40, looking back at two full decades of adult life.

It’s not fear.

It’s awareness.

It made me think:

What would I tell my 20-year-old self?

Live more.

Say yes more.

Take more risks.

The last 20 years haven’t been wasted. Far from it. I’ve travelled to incredible places. I’ve met amazing people. I’ve reconnected with childhood friends. I was diagnosed with depression. I learned how to communicate. I learned how to manage stress. And — probably the most important lesson — I learned that I matter.

I just sometimes wish I had learned that earlier.

Depression, Growth & the Years I Shut Down

I was diagnosed with depression after coming off the back of a Robbie Williams tour. Everything caught up with me at once. I hit breaking point and shut down.

I couldn’t communicate.

I couldn’t make decisions.

I couldn’t even explain what I was feeling.

There were unanswered messages. Silences that looked like ignoring. Conversations I avoided — not because I didn’t care, but because my brain genuinely had nothing to give.

Looking back now, I realise I didn’t need to have it all together before showing up.

I didn’t need to wait until I felt “better” or more certain or more like the version of myself I thought people deserved.

Now, I think I would simply say:

“If you’re willing to meet me where I am — not polished, not perfect — then yes. Let’s see where this goes.”

Not as a grand gesture.

Not as a dramatic leap.

Just honesty.

Because sometimes personal growth isn’t about doing more.

It’s about not holding back when something feels steady and good.

Hindsight can be beautiful. It can also be uncomfortable. I’m choosing to see it as growth.

I wouldn’t be who I am today without everything life has thrown at me.

And I am proud of myself.

I have learned my triggers.

I have learned to talk about my feelings.

I have learned how to stand up for myself — without being too harsh.

I have learned to be more discerning and more empathetic.

That didn’t happen overnight.

Thank you to those who shaped my life, who stood by me when I didn’t even know I needed support, and who didn’t quietly step away when things were heavy.

I really, truly appreciate you.

I don’t want regrets. But I also don’t want to ignore the growth that came from the hard seasons.

Time, Perspective & Why Turning 40 Feels Different

It’s not that I’m afraid of turning 40.

It’s that I’m aware of how quickly decades move now.

Having the privilege of my Nana being 94 has shifted something in me. It’s a gift to still have her here. And it’s also a reminder that time is not guaranteed.

Every visit matters.

Every conversation counts.

How do I make the most of whatever time we have left?

And then there’s Covid.

Here in Auckland, it genuinely feels like we lost two years. I remember New Year’s Eve 2020 thinking, new decade — it’s going to be a good one. And it started that way. Big family Christmas. A trip to Wellington for my cousin’s birthday. In March, Mum and I made our annual trip to Sydney.

We heard the strange rumours about an illness overseas, but it felt distant.

We landed back in New Zealand on the 8th of March.

A week later, the world shut down.

Time paused. And somehow, at the same time, it sped up.

Those years shifted perspective. They made intentional living feel less like a cliché and more like a necessity.]

Clean Starts, New Decades & Intentional Living

Here’s something about me: I love a clean start.

A fresh diary on 1 January.

A health reset on a Monday.

A new decade with a zero at the end.

There’s something about the number “0” that feels like possibility. A reset. A line drawn in the sand.

So now I’m turning 40.

It ends with a zero.

And instead of fearing it, I’m asking:

What can I get done in this next decade?

Not in a pressure-filled, hustle-every-minute kind of way.

But in a make-it-count kind of way.

I want to say yes more.

I want to take the trip.

I want to speak honestly.

I want to protect my time.

I want to be braver with my energy.

Because 50 will come faster than I think.

And I don’t want to look back and feel like I hesitated when I could have stepped forward.

Maybe this decade is simply about saying yes — and seeing where things go.

If this next chapter is going to end with a zero, I want it to stand for something.

Intentional.

Honest.

Present.

And that feels like a good place to begin.

✨ A Question for You

If you could give your 20-year-old self one sentence of advice — what would it be?

Or, if you’re stepping into a new decade soon… what do you want it to stand for?

Let’s make this next chapter count — off script.